Don't start calling them ugly and so forth as soon as you get mad at them. Actually maybe you should, then we know you're really a misogynist fuckwad.
Hey you know what sucks? Being alone in a new province, in a hospital, for a surgery you didn't see coming! I didn't even get flowers. My dad didn't even tell me he loves me.
I guess that's what happens when you don't want to make people worry about you, you pretend things are more ok than they are (then it turns out they don't worry anyway, so it doesn't matter). I could have used some more caring, but oh well. I haven't died.
Sucks to have only your employer there for you, though. But better than no one.
- Mood:
crushed
But otherwise in life, there are a few things that I would like.
1) Be debt-free and secure with money. I'm not great with money, but I want to be.
2) Travel all over and see the world with Jacob!
3) Have a home of my very own.
I don't have any career goals in that list. I don't yet really know what they are, other than to have a job that I don't hate. Preferably taking care of our heritage. I hope when I get back to Ottawa this will be somewhat feasible. I don't want to chase work around the country, although I know you need to generally put the time in until you've earned A Real Job.
Also...Source pineapple-coconut-banana yogurt? It's really yummy.
- Mood:
relaxed
This is one of those things in life I just don't get. "I'm not a feminist." "Don't you think there should be gender equality?" "Well yeah, but I'm not a feminist."
Yes. You are.
This is the same thing that happens to a lot of people with the term "atheist". The connotations of an atheist (to some sections of society, or even a lot of society, depending on where you are) are bad. It's a label that people don't want, for the same reason they think it's a bad thing to be a feminist.
Atheism is a lack of belief in a god or gods. Feminism is the pursuit of parity for women.
Period.
There are terrible atheists, terrible feminists. HP Lovecraft was an atheist, and also a big racist. I'm still an atheist. Many feminists do things I think are stupid. I'm still a feminist.
If you don't like the way the damn label is perceived, then help fix it, instead of participating in making it worse.
- Mood:
bitchy
I've been thinking about this entry that ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
audrawilliams wrote about for a few hours now.
I was/am pretty shy historically. I've always got along fine with women, but men...? Nope. It's fairly difficult for me to make close friendships. Oddly one of my best friends growing up was a boy, who I also had a crush on for years and years. That never went anywhere, which in retrospect was understandable and probably good that it didn't. It would have been embarrassing. I WAS desperate! That was pretty well all sexual frustration though. So I understand how unhappy these men can be, and how it can really cripple you and turn it into something you can't escape.
I still am not great at talking to new people.
However, I am wayyyy better than I used to be. I think partly this was working in retail, where you're forced to interact with others. And secondly, from getting out there and hooking up with men (see a related post from me about realizing I'm not unattractive). I've been rejected and I've been liked. And rejection can hurt, but you can live with it. I actually can have a tendency to think WELL IT MUST BE THEIR FAULT BECAUSE I'M THE GREATEST (varying with depression and thinking I'm horrible and ugly). I don't, however, believe that I'm entitled to a relationship with a gorgeous man. I think that may be more often men who focus on physical attractiveness.
(I got a sexy man though! Wooooooooo!)
I'm still pretty well unable to meet men anywhere other than online, though. It can be hard to meet people to date if you don't have a base of friends (to meet available friends of friends) and are fairly solitary to begin with.
Before this Nice Guy/Love Shy trend appeared, I'd been thinking about this. I'm proud of myself for how far I've come. Would I have been able to move to Nova Scotia all by myself 5 years ago? The odds are not good. I was barely able to call up strangers on the phone. I hated it.
Anyway, that's my experience with shyness. It takes work, and recognition that not everyone will like you. Will I ever be that person who can chat with anyone and make friends wherever they go? I don't think so. But it's ok. I will continue working at it.
- Mood:
contemplative
Anyhoo, my ex deleted me from his Facebook. That makes me feel so damned guilty somehow. But it's been over 6 months now. If he can't take me being happy, I guess he's gotta do what he's gotta do. He's a good guy, I really do hope he gets it together and finds a nice boring girl.
But now my ex-in laws and all that are off my Facebook and I can stop self-censoring myself. I know, you're like "whut, you ever think something you DON'T say?" Occasionally!
But while LJ isn't Facebook I will say this: I'm content and happy with Jacob cause he turns me on like whoa, is caring, is fun, does things and wants things and thinks things and knows who he is. He's my bitchin' sexy man and I want to be his partner in crime always.
- Mood:
enthralled
I am not the awesomest with money. Being out of work for two months and separating from a person and moving twice is a bunch of things that don't really help being awesome with money.
But, now at least I have a job again! Not the absolute greatest money, but nevertheless enough for me to not have to figure out how to pay the bills.
Furthermore, I got two pay cheques at once! This is pretty freakin nifty, as this meant I can be completely assured that I have enough in chequing to cover Surprise OSAP repayment!, credit card bills (aka *headdesk*) and rent. I transferred a bit over to savings so I can use that for food and stuff and not accidentally spend a billion dollars on things. Also I am trying to save the leftover cash monies for Jacob's arrival (T minus 30 days).
Also, I fought Bell and won. I won like a champ.
So I am feeling like a good little grownup right now. I have my financial ducks in a row right this second. I will work at staying responsible and chipping away at my debt. I am so putting my whole damned tax return onto my credit card next year. Like a responsible person!*
*Don't tell me a responsible person wouldn't need to do that because they'd pay the whole thing off every month, I know :(
I was mostly ok with that. Sure, I had bad days, and often I'd think about how it would be fun to be pretty...but generally I was fine knowing that I wasn't too hideous and at least attractive enough for one guy. I had only had one "boyfriend" in high school, at age 16, who I dumped after the first kiss (it was terrible). No guys in high school were interested in me. That was life.
But now, after trolling for men for the first time ever, I'm getting horribly confused about my place. I completely believed that I wasn't attractive. Not ugly, but fat and meh face and all that. Now, after being told that I'm cute or pretty or beautiful or that have a sexy body...I'm completely lost.
It's such an incredibly stupid thing. But I really am utterly off-balance, and haven't quite managed to internalize the thought that...maybe I'm pretty?
...It feels so wrong to call myself that. It was so hard to type that.
- Mood: uncomfortable
Although I guess I should be proud I'm apparently so attractive I get them to do idiotic, douchey things? Maybe that's one way of looking at it...
Sweet cuppin cakes. Dishonesty is the worst!
- Mood: cynical
*grabby hands*
- Mood: melancholy
- Mood: horny
Oh yes. I am happy.
I wasn't looking for anything serious; but at the same time, I never avoid things. If it happens, it happens. Life doesn't tend to like being put on a timeline.
I messaged Jacob on OkCupid. He was at the higher end of ages for me. But he looked cute, and tattooed, and articulate. I don't remember what I said...in any case, I ended up forgetting that I'd ever messaged him. I think it took him a while to get back to me (I could be wrong. I forgot to look at my message, and I've deleted my account now*).
He was enthusiastic! Enthusiasm is lovely. Shortly thereafter, the first time we chatted on msn was for several hours. I think until 3am or so. And he was still enthusiastic! He suggested we meet that same day (it being 3am and all).
So we met. We wandered around in the hopes of getting bubble tea, which failed...then went to Starbucks. I've never been so comfortable talking to someone before. Jacob is good to talk to. Many, many people make conversation difficult; but he doesn't. He's friendly and keeps his side of the conversation up.
And he was still cute!
Chemistry is a strange thing. I knew on the first day that I wanted to be with him, and that it would be serious (not speaking for him; I don't know what he thought...but that's how I felt).
I've felt guilty about getting to be happy so quickly. I know that's irrational, but...that's irrationality for you. Getting better though.
As for repercussions from my marriage; I don't think there are many. I never felt like I rushed into anything, or I wasn't ready, or blah blah blah. I was surprised, but after I figured out everything from the previous post....well, I guess that's why. I was mentally long gone for ages...how strange that I didn't realize it. Presumably it would have been more emotional for me if I hadn't taken so long to get out.
What I have noticed is that it's harder for me not to be on that relationship team. I don't mean dependance. I don't think I am; I'm perfectly fine with being apart and doing things without each other. It's good to have your own things (Although right now I prefer to hear from Jacob every day, not necessarily in a major way, but just to check in and say hi...but that's more a long distance thing specifically)! But you get used to being together most of your day, and relying on each other. In just the little basic ways. You're comfortable and have life worked out, in a way, if you see what I mean. So it's a little weird not to have that; not that I'm not comfortable or can't rely on Jacob. It's just the familiarity built up over years....
Two days and it will have been 4 months since we met. Time flies. I hope it will continue flying so it won't seem so long until I see him again.
*For purely evil reasons. If we were to break up I could set up a new account and look new and exciting. Hehehe. Of course, I don't see that happening so there was probably no point.
- Mood: horny
So instead of biking to Evangeline beach, I walked the ~8k there. And then back, partially around the cliffs and partially through a field.
Did I mention that it was raining for several hours? Well it was.
My feet are kind of bloody and it hurts and I could have just gone to work. But I saw Evangeline beach.
No it wasn't worth it.
- Mood: numb
I got married quite young (22), but don't mistake that for me suggesting "it was a mistake". It wasn't, really. Looking back of course, it's easy to say that I shouldn't have. I knew going in that there are no guarantees to want to be together forever. Did I think we wouldn't be at the time? Of course not. But I have never presumed to know the future.
But let me fill in the background -- I met him online and I was 18. I hadn't ever really dated or anything, as I wasn't too popular with the male-types, for whatever reason (I know why now, I was awkward and sexually frustrated). But somehow I ended up talking to an American atheist from San Francisco.
Anyhoo, the result was a serious relationship that also happened to be my first relationship. You know what? I loved him like crazy, for a long time. He helped me grow up...ok sorry, that sounds uber creepy. I mean it more in the sense of being there while I became confident and better socialized. Not a crutch; just there for me as I improved as a person. Except I'm still a horrible person...well, that's just natural, nothing can be done about that....
Unfortunately, at some point he wasn't what I wanted or needed anymore. It was a hard decision to make, to split from him. He still loved me. He would have done whatever I told him to do if it would have meant staying with me. Actually, about a year and a half prior had been the first time I almost did it. I wasn't completely sure at that point, though, and let him talk me into continuing.
I realized none of this at the time I left him, but I really hadn't been in love with him for a long time. Maybe it was really that long ago, dating back to the first time I thought about ending it. That seems to be an awful thought, and rightly would make anyone wonder what the fuck I thought I was doing. I truly, truly didn't realize that I didn't love him. I believed that it was a "rough patch". A relationship naturally has low points and high points, right? Right???
I was so far from realizing that I shouldn't be with him, period, that I convinced him to try an open marriage (which of course was all on my side; if it hadn't been maybe things could have been different?). I have no problem separating love and sex. Together or apart, love and sex are good. So you may have been thinking you know why it ended -- but no, sex is sex. What it was, was that it didn't even change much on his end. The way it's "supposed" to be is that he would want to stake his claim on me. And he didn't. Things were exactly the same.
That's when I realized that while he is a match to me in a lot of ways, it wasn't enough. I don't get close to a lot of people, and even fewer men (they all think I have two heads or something) so I thought that maybe I'd never find anyone as good as him....but fuck, that doesn't matter! No one is 100% the person you think you want them to be, but there's a difference between that and just not being quite right for each other.
And I cut myself loose. I only started understanding this once that happened; I did not regret it for a second, nor have I ever missed him (except as a friend, he was always a good friend).
Next up: Adjusting to being alone, and what unexpectedly came next. Ramifications thereof.
...That is, if I don't get bored of the subject. It's good to ruminate on it though, really has nothing to do with anyone else reading it. Only for my benefit, although if anyone finds it interesting, good-o.
- Mood: indifferent
So on the way back to my aunt and uncle's after Zoo-y entertainments, we noticed all of the traffic lights were down. How odd. We got to their place, and hey! Half of Ontario and such is en blackout.
We grilled up dinner on the bbq, then lay out on the back lawn with a little radio listening to the news and watching the stars. Eventually, around 1am, my parents drove us to our apartment. It's all still very vivid to me. I remember the feeling of Bloor Street darker than I'd ever seen before -- and probably darker than I will ever see again -- with emergency lights on in the stores, and people still calmly roaming the streets.
And my brother didn't get to go to Wonderland. Heh. Suckah. Ok, it wasn't really important but I'm mean.
Onto post re: relationshipping.
- Mood: contemplative
SOMEBODY doesn't want to see me until September, but I will think up a possible itinerary anyway.
Friday, July 31 -- Stay at the Inn on the Lake ($140), 30 minutes away from Halifax. Beach!
Saturday, August 1 -- Check out the market , then drive to Shelburne and stay at The Cooper's Inn. $100 for the night (complete with breakfast).
Sunday, August 2 -- Drive to Digby. Whale watching! Ocean Explorations with Tom, the biologist guy (some Germans at the B&B did a trip with him, they saw whales). $60 per person -- sounds not too bad to me. You go out on a Zodiac, so you can get very close if there are whales around. Head up to Cape Split and stay at Delft House nearby ($145).
Monday, August 3 -- Back to Halimifax.
Ok so that's pretty expensive. I hate everyone.
- Mood: cranky
- Go to Evangeline Beach
- Drive up to Cape Split/see the Bay of Fundy proper
- Stay at a romantic cottage on the water so I can watch the sun go down. Or I guess the sun rising, depending on which way the water's facing...well, the sun setting is nice in any case.
- See Cape Blomidon
- Visit Foxhill Cheese
- Try and find a locally brewed beer I can stand to drink
- Go on two day bike trips
- Get to Newfoundland
- Get to PEI
- Visit Halifax
- Go whale-watching (if I manage it before they're gone for the winter or whatever. I don't know what schedule those suckers are on)
Through broken harbors
Out on the waves in the night
Still the searcher
Must ride the dark horse
Racing alone in his fright
Tell me why, tell me why
Is it hard to make
Arrangements with yourself
When you're old enough to repay
But young enough to sell
Tell me lies later
Come and see me
I'll be around for a while
I am lonely but you can free me
All in the way that you smile
Tell me why, tell me why
- Mood: melancholy
http://www.flickr.com/photos/seamonkeyma
I forgot my camera at the museum yesterday, so more picture to come later.
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